“Welcome home / Home is where you’re dead.”
– Welcome Home
By DEMETRIA PHLORENTIA
So, DINO PROMETHEUS and myself have been assembling a selection of taciturn tunes from now-defunct garage rock outfit DARK KORVETTES. Thanks to a stealthy stranger going by the name of IVAN KLEVLING, here’s it – the entire catalogue of essential Dark Korvettes hits and misses in its spiritless splendour.
Ravaging the tracks which Ivan sent, I was instantly transported to the angsty ethos of the last decade. Guitarist and singer FRENCH McCAIN spits out his cryptic rants like a Know Your Enemy era James Dean Bradfield while rhythm section CHANCE REID clicks his sticks with as much venomous vehemence as Jeremiah Green on The Lonesome Crowded West. From the themes of domestic dysfunction (Welcome Home) to drug abuse (Medication) to personal resignation (87 Octane), Dark Korvettes were more of a recording outfit than live band, that has sadly, failed to ascend the ranks of MTV-sanctioned circa 2005 “Indie Rock”. Whatever. Looks like McCain’s pathetic whines in 87 Octane has become somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ivan Klevling shares with DP how this departed duo has come to suffer the fate of oblivion.
“Nothing ever happens for a reason / Nothing ever happens to me.”
– 87 Octane
DP: Hey Ivan, thanks for those tracks. So tell us, how the fuck were you acquainted with the Dark Korvettes and who the fuck were they?
Ivan: The Dark Korvettes were just two junkies who were better off without each other. I was briefly acquainted with McCain in a Cleveland madhouse. That must be around 2005. Everything was over by then. McCain was just such a nutter, too volatile. Those two brought out the worst in each other.
DP: Ahh I see. French McCain, right? What sort of an asshole name is that?
Ivan: You’re right, French McCain was a total asshole. Grouchiest fuck ever.
“Medication’s gotten me down / Only you want me around.”
DP: How about Chance Reid?
Ivan: Never met him. Heard about him from McCain. I’d say you should try to interview Chance Reid but you might be waiting for years.
DP: Oh, is there a way I can get in touch with him?
Ivan: Sure, he’s on Soundcloud as Kevin Strang (https://soundcloud.com/kevinstrang). He lives for females so I’m sure he would get back to you immediately. You’re a chick, right? He’s one giant cock.
DP: Ahh I see, will probably hit the Strangler up sometime. So, where’s McCain right now?
Ivan: No idea, really. Heard from his third cousin, twice removed that he’s in Romania, in prison. Not sure if that was made up to distract his creditors. Last I heard he was knee deep in debt.
DP: Right, thanks for your time Ivan. Now would you tell us who the fuck you are?
Ivan: You’re most welcome. I’m no one significant, a lonely old fuck perhaps, just giving my missing old pal a hand.